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The subject is hyperarousal (over stimulation of the nervous system). Why am I writing about this today? Well, ever been to one of those kiddie indoor play gyms? They are my WORST nightmare but I went this morning fully knowing I hate those things but never fully getting that that is bc it is a trigger for my nervous system to shoot off into no mans hyper arousal land and the only outcome is that I am a total ass to my kids. Knowing this now, I will let my husband take the kiddos!
You see, my window of tolerance for avoiding hyperarousal is very narrow. By the way, at the opposite end of hyperarousal (fast energy - like fight/flight/freeze) is hypoarousal (slow/inert - shame/depression/stuck). We all feel anger and sadness but once outside that tolerance window our brains do funky things. For years I have called myself CRAZY and after nearly 16 years of therapy, I realize that a) I get easily hyper aroused because my early childhood was fraught with abuse and radical misattunements not to mention my very traumatic prenatal/birth experiencec that blew my nervous system out of the water b) labeling myself CRAZY and making myself all bad allowed the part of me so desperate to remain in connection with my mother to be able to bc if I made her crazy that jeopardized my need to believe in her. Let's just say, it was a bad situation. When I am not minimizing it, I call it abusive. When I am embarrassed or ashamed or am holding the crazy bag, I just say it was bad. I am finally able to stitch a and b together and better understand the feedback loop.
First, what overstimulates me or when do I get in a hyper aroused state?
- inauthenticity - I can feel when people are holding back and it feels to me a like a wind up for a back hand when people are polite instead of real. I can't fully explain why but I do. So in groups when there is too much of that fake nice thing, I don't feel safe and I run the other way. My mother's charm and kindness was almost always followed by an unexpected criticism. It was a jolt to my system because I was so open.
-being a learner - I have organized myself around being very self sufficient and part of that self sufficiency was wrapped up in being extremely good at everything. So new stuff I am not instantly good at hyper arouses me.
-many people, behaving erratically in an indoor space (outdoors is no problem). I imagine it is the escape route thing. "many people" includes children.
- romantic intimacy - you know, not sex but deep connective romance. I get scared. Maybe still waiting for that criticism or injury to follow the kindness.
-having needs in connection to others - if I need someone and I express it, OMG I quite literally tremble in my body. This was usually the point that I was literally told "there is something wrong with you for needing that."
What happens when I am hyper aroused;
- on good days I use all the skills I have learned in psychotherapy and I turn all my energies toward this shaky self and throw my arms around her with so much love, unconditional acceptance, stillness and patience. What that looks like is I put a pillow in my lap, I say sweet things from a calm part of me to the shaky part, sometimes I push against a wall if feeling strong will help me out, other times I call a close friend and have them help calm me and voila, 20 minutes, back to my old self.
- on bad days when I seem to want to buy into the notion that this shaky self is crazy, I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing - obsessing about how CRAZY I am or obsessing about what other people think of me, both which actually keep my wound up and "on the ready" to fight as that is the purpose of this state - to fend of the intruder by fighting, running(flight), or freezing (think opossum). Then I am super crabby to everyone around me because inside this obsessing is happening. When I just can't take the internal dialogue then I get "hypo aroused" or depressed something like a week later. At least I am no longer shaking inside but crap, I have to get depressed to get out of my hyper aroused state? Um...that sucks so I think I will choose the good day way rather than the bad day way!
What I have learned in therapy;
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| From Vand der Hart, Nijenhuis and Steele, 2006 Copyright Janina Fisher, PhD |
That my young life, even my inutureo experience, was fraught with fear. Lots of grabby unpredictable teenage type people raised me. My perfectionism is part of my hyperarousal...it sustained a high level of energy toward over achievement so I could stay in this "on the ready" stance that allowed me to feel safe and together. This whole thing wreaked havoc on my physical well being and really made relationships feel like a mine field. Now add to this whole nervous system piece that my own mother is, herself, a wounded bird. And in order to stay in connection with her, I had to hold the "crazy bag" meaning I would kind of say 'it is my fault' or 'i am not good enough' bc then I didn't have to push against her and say "hey this sucks" and have her reject me outright. I did push against her in adolescence and now no longer speak to her. I am not a big proponent of this but after awhile if you have to abdicate your self hood to be in relationship, what IS the point?
Ok so what does all this have to do with parenting? These same hyper and hypo aroused states occur when I am with my children and utterly dislocate me from being able to attune to them. Tracking this nervous system process by writing about it in this blog allows me to keep this top of mind so I can remain calm even when the going gets tough AND so other moms who might have dysregulated nervous systems feel supported. I told a client today the things we need to be a good parent are;
1. A calm boundaried nervous system
2. Response flexibility with our kids
3. A good understanding of child development
4. Support
I am so glad to be writing this down. I am trying to strip my writing of too much therapy wonky terminology but this stuff is so important.
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