Our Inner Dialogue: Saboteur or Ally

My mind has taken over my whole body.  I am one big obsessional thought after obsessional thought.  I don't even want to write about what those obsessions are.  Because of the extreme nature of the imbalance inside of me ,thoughts taking over, I have become aware of the extreme nature of the imbalance outside of me.  I am aware of how heady and out of contact with their own beingness many people are more regularly than I.  I guess I found something to be grateful for as I noticed.  A start on the road to recovery.

In my case, this fusion of my self hood with what I am thinking is a highway to the danger zone.  My mind, and what I say to myself in my head, when it isn't balanced what I feel in my body and in my experience or isn't channeled by focused attention on some task is that of the internal critic.  I have talked about it a lot recently because this critic, this angry child, this one that wants to make sure I don't feel any of the pain beneath, this swallowed voice of my mother - is an unrelenting saboteur designed to squash me into immobility.  Today, as I was walking down the street I said to myself, "man this voice is so pervasive these last weeks I can barely stand upright under the pressure of all the mean things it tells me."  And then I thought, "yeah but I am still walking so as long as I am walking I can at least feel my feet." 

So today, when I remembered, I just noticed my walking feet moving across the earth.  It was all I could do to redirect my attention.  And I found some joy as I felt my feet touch down, lift off.  Suddenly I felt my body again, the breeze on my skin, the smells of the city, the sounds of the rustling trees. I am reminded of Gabrielle Roth saying the "only way out is in" or the only way to get out of pain is to get back inside your body because pain is about thought, often. 

I was wondering about my sons.  I have been grumpy the last two mornings. I really have been annoyed with the eating routine lately because they are so wild at the table they get up and wander and I am a "sit at the table and eat" kind of mom.  You can finish at any time you like, but so long as you are eating, that needs to happen on your bottom at the table.  But, I lost my cool and really said it in a grumpy way. My oldest, when I speak in this way, tells me he doesn't like me or he will say "I don't like it when you talk to me that way."  I always feel badly but glad that he feels comfortable expressing himself. 

In my own state of angst, I was noticing my son more.  Less worry about screwing him up, more interest in just looking and saying "Who are you over there?"  That felt nice too, like my feet on the earth. So much worry really interrupts my own fascination and curiosity of just who my kids are. What a bummer. 
Ah Ha!  I had an epiphany - one that maybe could have saved me loads on parenting books; I could just parent my kids with the internal dialogue I am leaving them with.  What do I want them to be saying to them self that is being taught through the way I set boundaries, what boundaries I set, how I repair, how I am available, what I prioritize, how I see them vs. my worry etc.   It is a good exercises for me right now as it forces me to challenge my own inner critic. 

Here is what I hope their inner dialogue tells them;
I am sorry you feel that way.  I am here with you.
Whoa that person is angry and we don't have to avoid this conflict because I know I am still good and those angry feelings of theirs will change.
My human fallibility has zero impact on my love ability - I am lovable just for being me.
I deserve to have needs and I am entitled to express them.
I can be in relationship with people who are different.
I MATTER!

I am sure the list goes on.  Seems like a nice way to parent.  What do I want my sons to tell themselves inside.  I wish someone had been parenting me with this goal in the front of their mind.   And yet, here I am, one foot on the earth at a time.

Good night.

You Matter and I Matter

I was sitting around the kitchen table this morning aware that I had sweep of fear and anger wash over me in response to my 3.5 year old son.  Then shame that I had acted out my anger and fear.  What I love about me is my interest in seeking and depth but there comes a point where the seeking itself is a way to leave connection with myself, with my child, with the present.  

My old perfectionist self criticism has on new clothes.  It used to be that I was just plain mean to myself inside.   Now that meanness comes packaged in a very pretty "personal growth" - "I am studying myself so I can heal" agenda.  I have found a new way to be hard on myself.  There must be some good reasons this critic is up again. I know I have been around other mothers recently - my dojo, you know -getting hyperaroused bc onto them I transfer all my feelings about my own mother.  So out comes this critic.  She has served as protector from a harsher punishment and she has decided to take out her sword ready for action.  Over the years I have developed a great deal of compassion for this sword bearer.  She simply needs my attention the same way an angry child does.  She comes out a lot now that I am a mother confounded by how to relate to other mothers while pulling back the transference of my mother.

This warrior spirit means well but she dislocates me from myself for she stands outside of me focused outward and on guard.  When she takes over I am not loving to my kids and I am not in attuned connection, and my boundaries are confusing.  But turning towards me was never part of the equation in my young life bc I concluded that I didn't matter. 

But  I do matter.  I deserve kindness, attunement and compassion and the best place to achieve that is in the raw sensations of my body, my breath, tingling, tightness, attuned to each sensation as it rises and falls - nothing to do but be with each experience.  From here,  I fall back into my bones, back into mattering, back into connection with myself and back into connective parenting with my kids.  Off to go sit in compassion, to matter to me. 

I Think You Are Crazy

Yep.  A mother in our longstanding playgroup has said on four separate occasions that "When I first met you I thought you were nuts." loudly in front of the whole group.  Once, funny - multiple times, one starts to wonder.   It sort of is the "worst case scenario" for me with other mothers.  It IS what my own mother has told me verbatim the whole of my life.  I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog that I went ahead and wore the "crazy" hat with my own mom because if I did, then my connection to her was not in jeopardy or it wasn't nearly as exhausting. 

Many years of therapy later what I have learned is there is nothing crazy about me.  As mentioned, I get hyper aroused in trigger situations that send me into fight, flight, freeze, submit or attach (cling) responses.  I made a best attempt at what is biologically wired in to all humans; to attach to my mother. What looks crazy is highly intelligent.  Learning about being in authentic connection, my triggers and how to calm my nervous system  have been my life's work.  I notice as I type this I am hyper aroused.  My sacrum is clenched as I hold back the fight/flight response.  So I will close my eyes and ; track very subtle body sensations and breath, then see myself quite literally pushing against that sentence "You are crazy" - push it out of my boundaried space and look squarely at the person saying it.  If needed,I will have the wise adult self in me hold the fighty and frighty kid that has gotten so aroused so she can be helped in calming down (or ask my husband to throw his arms around me as he is sitting here next to me.)  Will pick up writing in a second.  

Ok, did above and then husband held me, then we moved to a position where I just laid on my back while he had one hand holding my sacrum and the other holding my hand as I just released.  Lots of sadness came up there in releasing my sacrum.  I got an image of a little girl leaning forward, hands on her hips, enraged, screaming "you can't talk to me that way."  She was seven and while well defended yet she was alone.  As if this screaming were hapening in a sound proof box, no one really hearing seeing or getting her.  An angry and alone seven year old was what was all being held tightly and quietly inside my low back.  Yep, I know her all right.  Come sit in my lap.  I know how to hold you, sweetheart.  And by the way, thank you for holding on to this anger.  You made sure inside we didn't get squashed!

On to this playgroup mother.  I am writing about this because writing about it is another way to clarify to the world that I am no longer interested or willing to ingest "crazy" judgements from others.  I am also no longer interested in being in relationship with folks that need me to hold that for them.  This most recent run in happened on valentine's day and as I have been successfully pushing the comment out of my body/mind what I have reflected on is a lot of empathy and clear seeing about the other woman.  Prior to my own sequencing work with my nervous system I would have bounced around in an obcessional circle of I suck to she sucks until it got exhausting and I would then ride around in hopeless land.  Sensorimotor psychotherapy really has changed my life.

Reflecting back on my first meeting with clear seeing, I realized that this first meeting with this mother took place at a Shaman led sharing group three years ago.   This woman dropped in to this group that was intensely deep but loosely held and discovered it wasn't for her by judging it because she herself got hyper aroused.  Her drop in occurred precisely the day I announced to the rest of the group that I had "divorced my mother".  I remember what a landmark proclamation this was and I needed the support so I took a risk.  I felt good.  I felt embodied.  I wasn't even overwhelmed and shaky as I can get when vulnerable in groups.  She left early and I didn't see her around for a year and did not remember her when I met her in our sort of "vanilla" playgroup. 

Spending a life time trying to either make my mother or other people wrong, as I had, in response to their hurtfulness is such a long suffering road.  It is the stuff of hyper arousal though.   I am proud to say, I am not interested in making this mother wrong for her experience or even for what she keeps saying to me.   I can simply send the judgement back, say no thank you and calm myself.  In cases where I am committed to the relationship I get curious and see what I need relationally.  In this woman's case I haven't gotten too curious just because our social interactions haven't been inspiring enough for me to want to deepen connection. But for other relationships my curiosity and empathy lead to a clear "Oh they see the world differently than me and I need this in order to stay in connection."  I can work out any relational nits when I can calm my nervous system making room for empathy to lead the way. 

Blogging creates another avenue to "send it back", have a voice, show empathy, set a boundary be vulnerable and try out safely relating... and maybe along the way I will feel less triggered around other mothers to do the same face to face - even if it means getting hurt.  After all, mother's are my favorite people to project this "I think you are crazy" story the fight part of me has held so dearly for my mom.  And many of them will willingly pick it up and mirror it right back to me.   No wonder I am on high alert around them.  I am deeply grateful to this woman.  The pain I experienced by her comments lit a fire under my ass in my own therapy.   It has given me lots to work with.  And it motivated me to start this blog several weeks ago.  Really, her comments were the beginning.  My own therapist deserves the credit for my blog name.  She said to me "Wow.  These mothers are your dojo."  I expanded that.  Mothering is my dojo.