Emotional Fitness and Appropriate Childhood Woe

I admit it.  I am a rescuing mom.  I have, at times, been a rescuing therapist.  Most freshly minted therapists are.  We don't want to people to hurt because they come in already with a world of hurt.  I also feared they would leave me and some do because the do wish to be rescued.  I am better at naming that as it unfolds in our relationship so they hang in there with me standing alongside them.  I guess I have my clients to thank for teaching me that this rescuing business isn't communicating to my kids that I trust them, nor does it help them develop emotional fitness.  Now I will say I am not the kind to say "you are ok."  You know how you are.  I simply don't exacerbate what is a tense situation with my own tenseness if I can at all help it.  What do you feel and what do you need are my standard MO questions when my kid is hurting. 

Today at the formerly bemoaned indoor playground (better today bc OMA came) a little girl, probably my son's age, threw a pretty good protesting tantrum at not wanting to leave.  I had seen this mother and her two young daughters and sized her up to be an attuned parent.  To me it is no surprise it is often these parents whose kids tend to be less convenient in the behavior department and the parents expressions - even if frazzled often are also consious.  I fantasize that they, like me, are interested in supporting whole kids and thus having convenient solidier-like kids isn't their goal.  What was amazing was in the midst of my own son's trying morning he noticed this girl and was really gripped by her predicament.  He noticed she didn't want her mom, she didn't want to leave but she was also feeling a lot of "big feelings".  He walked over to her and knelt down in front of her and gently put his hand on her ankle and said "Hi.  What is wrong?  Is there anything you need?".  I liked the way he asked it.  A kind of "I'm here if you need me but if you don't that is fine too bc I know you can get through these feelings."  I was a proud mama bear.

Reflecting on this little scene and then a note from a friend who wants to take a mother's workshop by Kathryn Black who has written one of my FAVORITE books on Mothering I of course had to snoop around to find info on Kathryn and may reach out to her to network about her mothers group which I also want to start up.  I would LOVE to author a book on arousal states in mothers and kids - another angle of attachment that is touched on in the Allan Schore video I posted.  I am moving to Germany in Summer of 2013.  Maybe that will be my project then.

Anyway, as I came across this lovely article by Kathryn.  I pulled out the story of her son's piano recital.  She is such a lovely writer and if you haven't read Mothering Without a Map I frankly thing it, Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions and Dan Siegel's Parenting from the Inside Out are THE three books to read prior to having a child.  So many that I love but these tree I think are MUSTS.  Kathryn's article served as another good reminder for why I needn't swoop in and feel mommy guilt every time my son has to endure something hard.  Maybe I didn't need to go into his bedroom and sleep on the floor afterall.

"There was the Sunday afternoon four years ago, for instance, when my then 6-year-old sat down at the piano in a recital hall. Midway through his piece, he got stuck on a musical phrase he could only repeat until, finally, he put his hands in his lap, his head down, and wept. I sat in the audience watching, nearly crying myself. His teacher got up and gave his thin shoulders a hug as she helped him up from the piano bench. He came tremulously to sit in my lap, burying his face in my neck. The “rescuing mom” inside me - the one who hasn’t the emotional stamina to bear her child’s distress - wanted desperately to console him with promises that he’d never to have to play the piano again.

 

The rescuer in me hovers, eager to lift the dumbbells and rob my children of opportunities to tone their coping muscles. My older son broke his foot the first weekend of summer, sentencing him to hobble through camp on crutches. When we learned a cast was forthcoming, I wanted to distract us both from the pain by saying, “Forget camp. Let’s go to Disneyland, Paris!” But I didn’t, any more than I canceled the piano lessons. I know these trials are theirs to endure.

 

My older son watched the other children canoe, ride horses, and frolic in a wild food fight with counselors. My young one walked to the piano, terrified, at his next recital, played his piece imperfectly, and bowed. And, like his brother, he came away stronger.

 

Each of these episodes helps me quiet that rescuing mom. I can see this is how children are meant to earn their emotional fitness - with parents standing nearby, not taking over but loving and encouraging."

By Kathryn Black, What I Wish Every Parent Knew: A Space of Their Own, CHILD/2004

The BLOB Mother: Smothering Independance

So, I had an opportunity today, in my own therapy to sort out some confusion I was having about how to help my oldest son. I was pained by the way he was strongly pushing away from in moments when he was in crisis. One parenting forum said I shouldn't let him do that. That is him disconnecting and having pent up feelings he needed to cathart.  My own therapist pointed out that his desire to hide, run away, get mad, or seek out another parent were ways he was trying out self regulating without my help.  The best responde when he does this is "Yes go do that and I am right here if you need me."   Instead I was freaking out that my kid didn't need me or frankly wanted another.   What I got curious about was what was happening inside of me that I get "up in my kid's business"?

Part of it was I am feeling his 3.5 year old rapprochement, push away and then reach for me, push away, reach for me.  Sometimes I feel abandoned there, sometimes I feel like I need to fix his discomfort.  Even prior to therapy I said to my husband, "You know, I think our kid is getting pissed at me because I am just too much up in his business."  So I played a little game.  I sat and looked at him with awareness of my body and then I sat and looked at my younger son.  It was fascinating.  With my oldest,  I am like THE BLOB.  Remember that movie?  Goopy, sticky, smothering YUK.  And with my youngest, just clean, clear crisp "there he is and here I am."  Why?  Doesn't really matter does it?  I just need to stop.  I am pretty sure it is a young part of me clinging to my oldest.  To stop I can just hold her and cuddle her and give her what she needs so her tentacles aren't creeping outside my boundary like THE BLOB. 

I found this article from eHow on Enmeshment.  I am posting it so I can keep track of it and in because it is so important for others to have many ways to find because I see grown ups who had parents like this in my therapy practice and they are truly stunted and in pain so...good motivation for me.

How to Identify Enmeshment in Your Relationships with Teens and What To Do

KRLawrence

Pediatric RN and mother of three. I enjoy raising my family and now that they are practically grown, I am ready to return to work.
I enjoy education and my favorite part of nursing is teaching patients and parent. I have a rather dry wit but love to laugh so I am sure you will see humor articles from time to time.
I value your recommendations, comments and ratings very much.

By KRLawrence, eHow Member

Read more: How to Identify Enmeshment in Your Relationships with Teens and What To Do | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4718239_enmeshment-relationships-teens-what-do.html#ixzz1GpSvKfeo

What is Enmeshment? To be enmeshed in any relationship is to have unclear boundaries that chronically fail to keep parties in the relationship separate. In a world where we work hard to get closer, it sounds odd to worry about having boundaries but this is an essential element of a healthy relationship. This is especially true in a parent/child relationship. On the other hand, the opposite of Enmeshment is Detachment and being too detached is similarly a problem. Therefore, as parents, we find ourselves walking a fine line.

Difficulty:

Moderately Challenging

Instructions

things you'll need:

• The ability to take an honest look at yourself
• Strength and determination
• The desire to have your child become a strong adult

1. Enmeshment: An enmeshed mother may quickly take on any issues their children find difficult to manage. This leaves the child feeling inadequate or invaded. The child feels that they must not be capable or trusted enough to deal with such issues and as a result, turns to that parent time and time again to have problems resolved. If the child's feeling is that they have been invaded, they close off to that parent, share nothing and perhaps face issues alone that they might have really needed some guidance on. The first demonstrates a child that comes out needy and typically a victim in life and the latter produces a child who is bitter, angry and secretive. Clearly something needs to change to help the child build confidence in their own decision making and yet know when and feel comfortable seeking out the help needed when they are over their heads.
2. If you are starting from a place like the one I did... you probably know you have enmeshment issues and damage has already been done. Not to worry.... Like most other parenting issues, it is never too late to learn something new and it can only humanize us in the eyes of our children to admit we are handling something wrong and try again. Enmeshment becomes an issue that has a central focus around trust and control. Do you trust your child to handle issues? Do you need to have control over them or are you trying to help them become trustworthy adults who can take care of themselves? If you are not sure if your relationship with your child suffers from Enmeshment issues... take a good look at how problems are managed. Is there a clear problem solver? Is your child able to come to you after a problem is solved and share what happened? If your child handles something poorly, do you step in or encourage them to try again with some advice and direction? Enmeshed relationships typically have a very rigid structure. Everyone has a role and they stick to it. Parents feel that they are responsible for all of their child's issues and needs and children feel that they have no control over what happens to and around them.
3. Many parents who are Enmeshed... are completely blind to it. Their control issues arise from the lack of trust and maybe even respect for their children but the result is that they do not allow the child to deal with consequences for his or her own behaviors. While protecting our children is a natural tendency for most, this enmeshment causes us to protect our children to a degree that leads to true psycho-social pathology. When your child goes through a painful or difficult time or when the world just does not seem to be treating your child "fair", you need to move away from sympathy being the only acceptable response. Sympathy is an inclination to support or be loyal to or to agree with an opinion... a sharing of feelings the other has.
   Sympathy is a trap when you are trying to develop a young adult. Feelings are personal and you don't need to share their feelings to validate them. Learning to step back from the situation and be objective will help your child far more than sympathizing with them. Let's try to replace Sympathy with Empathy... a capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. This allows the parent to understand but not own the child's interpretation of events and be better able to be objective. Removing all discomfort and strife from your child's life is not realistic and not going to prepare them to become adults and deal with the issues that face all of us on a daily basis. You may feel like a super hero but you are actually the villain.
4. Change is hard... and ugly. Your child will likely respond to you defining boundaries with insecurity and anxiety or distrust and bitterness. You don't care anymore! You are actually showing more care to let them deal with their own problems than doing it for them. You might start by being open with your child... declare that you think there needs to be new boundaries and that you trust that they are capable of dealing with most of their own issues on their own. While you will be there to discuss how they handle issues, you need to step away from doing the work for them. This might start with your child coming to you with issues and you asking "and what do you think you can do about that?" After a few attempts, this will take root and the child will likely share their thoughts. Don't tell them they are right or wrong... you can offer guidance but not direction. Let them fall if they make a mistake and know that it is safer to do this when they are still a child than when they are an adult. When they do fall on their face, don't pick them up but rather offer support and encouragement to try again.
   The stakes are high and the time is now. We can all probably point out others in our lives that suffer from enmeshment issues.... on either end. However, we all find it harder to look within ourselves and see these behaviors for the destruction that they are.

Read more: How to Identify Enmeshment in Your Relationships with Teens and What To Do | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4718239_enmeshment-relationships-teens-what-do.html#ixzz1GpQx5jBE