So, I had an opportunity today, in my own therapy to sort out some confusion I was having about how to help my oldest son. I was pained by the way he was strongly pushing away from in moments when he was in crisis. One parenting forum said I shouldn't let him do that. That is him disconnecting and having pent up feelings he needed to cathart. My own therapist pointed out that his desire to hide, run away, get mad, or seek out another parent were ways he was trying out self regulating without my help. The best responde when he does this is "Yes go do that and I am right here if you need me." Instead I was freaking out that my kid didn't need me or frankly wanted another. What I got curious about was what was happening inside of me that I get "up in my kid's business"?
Part of it was I am feeling his 3.5 year old rapprochement, push away and then reach for me, push away, reach for me. Sometimes I feel abandoned there, sometimes I feel like I need to fix his discomfort. Even prior to therapy I said to my husband, "You know, I think our kid is getting pissed at me because I am just too much up in his business." So I played a little game. I sat and looked at him with awareness of my body and then I sat and looked at my younger son. It was fascinating. With my oldest, I am like THE BLOB. Remember that movie? Goopy, sticky, smothering YUK. And with my youngest, just clean, clear crisp "there he is and here I am." Why? Doesn't really matter does it? I just need to stop. I am pretty sure it is a young part of me clinging to my oldest. To stop I can just hold her and cuddle her and give her what she needs so her tentacles aren't creeping outside my boundary like THE BLOB.
I found this article from eHow on Enmeshment. I am posting it so I can keep track of it and in because it is so important for others to have many ways to find because I see grown ups who had parents like this in my therapy practice and they are truly stunted and in pain so...good motivation for me.
What is Enmeshment? To be enmeshed in any
relationship is to have unclear boundaries that chronically fail to keep
parties in the relationship separate. In a world where we work hard to get closer, it sounds odd to worry about having boundaries but this is an essential element of a healthy relationship. This is especially true in a parent/child relationship. On the other hand, the opposite of Enmeshment is Detachment and being too detached is similarly a problem. Therefore, as parents, we find ourselves walking a fine line.
- Difficulty:
- Moderately Challenging
Instructions
- The ability to take an honest look at yourself
- Strength and determination
- The desire to have your child become a strong adult
- Enmeshment: An enmeshed mother may quickly take on any issues their children find difficult to manage. This leaves the child feeling inadequate or invaded. The child feels that they must not be capable or trusted enough to deal with such issues and as a result, turns to that parent time and time again to have problems resolved. If the child's feeling is that they have been invaded, they close off to that parent, share nothing and perhaps face issues alone that they might have really needed some guidance on. The first demonstrates a child that comes out needy and typically a victim in life and the latter produces a child who is bitter, angry and secretive. Clearly something needs to change to help the child build confidence in their own decision making and yet know when and feel comfortable seeking out the help needed when they are over their heads.
If you are starting from a place like the one I did... you probably know you have enmeshment issues and damage has already been done. Not to worry.... Like most other
parenting issues, it is never too late to learn something new and it can only humanize us in the eyes of our children to admit we are handling something wrong and try again. Enmeshment becomes an issue that has a central focus around trust and control. Do you trust your child to handle issues? Do you need to have control over them or are you trying to help them become trustworthy adults who can take care of themselves? If you are not sure if your relationship with your child suffers from Enmeshment issues... take a good look at how problems are managed. Is there a clear problem solver? Is your child able to come to you after a problem is solved and share what happened? If your child handles something poorly, do you step in or encourage them to try again with some advice and direction? Enmeshed relationships typically have a very rigid structure. Everyone has a role and they stick to it. Parents feel that they are responsible for all of their child's issues and needs and children feel that they have no control over what happens to and around them.
Many parents who are Enmeshed... are completely blind to it. Their control issues arise from the lack of trust and maybe even respect for their children but the result is that they do not allow the child to deal with consequences for his or her own behaviors. While protecting our children is a natural tendency for most, this enmeshment causes us to protect our children to a degree that leads to true psycho-social pathology. When your child goes through a painful or difficult time or when the world just does not seem to be treating your child "fair", you need to move away from sympathy being the only acceptable response. Sympathy is an inclination to support or be loyal to or to agree with an opinion... a sharing of feelings the other has.
Sympathy is a trap when you are trying to develop a young adult. Feelings are personal and you don't need to share their feelings to validate them. Learning to step back from the situation and be objective will help your child far more than sympathizing with them. Let's try to replace Sympathy with Empathy... a capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. This allows the parent to understand but not own the child's interpretation of events and be better able to be objective. Removing all discomfort and strife from your child's life is not realistic and not going to prepare them to become adults and deal with the issues that face all of us on a daily basis. You may feel like a super hero but you are actually the villain.
- Change is hard... and ugly. Your child will likely respond to you defining boundaries with insecurity and anxiety or distrust and bitterness. You don't care anymore! You are actually showing more care to let them deal with their own problems than doing it for them. You might start by being open with your child... declare that you think there needs to be new boundaries and that you trust that they are capable of dealing with most of their own issues on their own. While you will be there to discuss how they handle issues, you need to step away from doing the work for them. This might start with your child coming to you with issues and you asking "and what do you think you can do about that?" After a few attempts, this will take root and the child will likely share their thoughts. Don't tell them they are right or wrong... you can offer guidance but not direction. Let them fall if they make a mistake and know that it is safer to do this when they are still a child than when they are an adult. When they do fall on their face, don't pick them up but rather offer support and encouragement to try again.
The stakes are high and the time is now. We can all probably point out others in our lives that suffer from enmeshment issues.... on either end. However, we all find it harder to look within ourselves and see these behaviors for the destruction that they are.
Read more: How to Identify Enmeshment in Your Relationships with Teens and What To Do | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4718239_enmeshment-relationships-teens-what-do.html#ixzz1GpQx5jBE
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