My old perfectionist self criticism has on new clothes. It used to be that I was just plain mean to myself inside. Now that meanness comes packaged in a very pretty "personal growth" - "I am studying myself so I can heal" agenda. I have found a new way to be hard on myself. There must be some good reasons this critic is up again. I know I have been around other mothers recently - my dojo, you know -getting hyperaroused bc onto them I transfer all my feelings about my own mother. So out comes this critic. She has served as protector from a harsher punishment and she has decided to take out her sword ready for action. Over the years I have developed a great deal of compassion for this sword bearer. She simply needs my attention the same way an angry child does. She comes out a lot now that I am a mother confounded by how to relate to other mothers while pulling back the transference of my mother.
This warrior spirit means well but she dislocates me from myself for she stands outside of me focused outward and on guard. When she takes over I am not loving to my kids and I am not in attuned connection, and my boundaries are confusing. But turning towards me was never part of the equation in my young life bc I concluded that I didn't matter.
But I do matter. I deserve kindness, attunement and compassion and the best place to achieve that is in the raw sensations of my body, my breath, tingling, tightness, attuned to each sensation as it rises and falls - nothing to do but be with each experience. From here, I fall back into my bones, back into mattering, back into connection with myself and back into connective parenting with my kids. Off to go sit in compassion, to matter to me.
