Mothers Have Needs Too

We are fully in to summer.  Today is summer solstice.  Wahoo!  I love the sun.  I had some friends over this weekend, many close and many single.  It was a really fun time and I am grateful I have kept this "non kid" part of my life alive.  At the same time, I felt taxed and overwhelmed by how much work it is to host company especially with two active toddlers.  It ain't like throwing a party in the old days that is for sure.

Toward the end of the evening all who remained were me and my husband and a couple of my single friends.  One an acupuncturist, one a therapist, one a burgeoning tarot card reader and my husband.  I got really triggered by some of the things that came up in the conversation and went to bed angry at myself for being triggered and surely, again, my feelings must be wrong, you are screwed up etc.  It is this line of thought that is my problem, not the trigger.  The general theme was really just the difference between being single and having two active toddlers and what kind of devotion you can commit to things that I have admitted previously in this blog are so important.  But still, I think that certain kinds of sharing, can easily drift into advice giving, one upmanship and lack compassion. 

I am really getting that "doing" is less important than "accepting" and that cultivating self compassion - where ever that happens, taking a dump or sitting on a meditation cushion, it is all good.  Would I like to be radically re devoting more time to certain self care activities? YES!  But in the meantime, self compassion and compassion from others greases my wheels.  I got to experience being told that my primal and existential place of struggle (which is more painful than my usual dysthymia) was right where I needed to be.  I am open to hearing that when it is mixed with compassion, not when it is delivered devoid of compassion and tinged with one upmanship.   And, I was appreciativee of the mirror, because I think I have done that to people too and I am really committing myself in my own practice with psychotherapy clients the art of beginner's mind - to not know or even need to be an expert, so live and learn.  I likely was triggered because I am in the process of letting this "need to be expert go". It was still painful to here my friends speak so discompassionately about people who hadn't evolved enough and how they should. 

Needless to say, on Monday, which we term "mama day" I was exhausted from this party.  I was still dealing with my inner critic and just a general malaise. All I wanted was to go recuperate from the beating I had given myself...I was brutal.  But here were my two sons, no doubt picking up on my state and wanting more attention and still coming down, themselves, from all the people in our house.  I just couldn't relate to them.  "Oh great", I thought "Bad parenting, another thing to beat up on myself about."

So we went to the beach.  Had a sandwich, I even indulged in a diet coke and potato chips which aren't my usual fare and a laundry basket full of sand toys at a safe spot where no one could get carried out to sea.  I could feel their desire for me to join in and I also was aware, I just needed to sit, take in the moment, regroup, especially after the chaotic morning me and the boys had had, me probably not tending well to tantrums.

We hadn't been there ten minutes when a mother comes with two sons - I found out later were just has far apart as mine and only six months older.  She was actively playing with her kids, full on building moats and turrets and collecting sea weed and skillfully re directing them when any sibling rivalry showed up, was mirroring and exuberant (I am offered some reprieve bc it felt a little feigned) but what do you think I did?  I started comparing myself.  I should be more like her.  I should want to play right now too.   And when my oldest was drawn to join their play, I was sure this was proof I was parenting poorly.   I went over and tried to join in but it just wasn't where I was.  We played with them for 45 minutes but after some time, I realized, you know I am ready for us to leave.  I have played "nice" with this exuberant mother.  I really can make this easier on me and in turn feel more connected to my kids.  My youngest was beginning to bully her sons so there was a signpost he was tired.

We got home and had a great time and I must say, it was so much easier to take care of myself rather than tell some kind of story about how screwed up I am bc I wasn't playing with my kids.  Truth be told, I have been mindful of not wanting to intrude on my children's play and delight in what they come up with when I don't direct the play (like the mud, straw rock chocolate ice cream concoction they made in an old potty chair they found).  My kids and I all made the best smoothies we have ever made, ran around naked in the sunny back yard and everyone got to nap on time so mama got to do some self care.  Funny too, I saw a mom walking to the parking lot as I was leaving the beach, her children tantrum and all I felt real empathy as her face contorted in that combo impatience, embarrassment and forcibly keeping it cool.  What I sent to her was "Hang in there.  You are doing a great job."  Yet again, proving to myself compassion breeds compassion.  Have compassion for my own limits and needs allowed my heart to bust wide open to this other mother.

Suffering, Coping, Receiving, Relationship, Gratitude

I have been struck by loads of different meaningful quotes, ideas, compassionate offerings from those I am so deeply moved by in my life.  So I suspect this entry will be a bit stream of conscious as integrating them

I think the one which continues to stick is this notion that we can do more than "cope".  We really do and can learn to take in and receive goodness or be fulfilled.  Seems new agey right?  But we don't and mothers are the worst at this.

Inherently, we travel at a velocity which is not natural to us.  To quote Arrian Angeles "Nothing in nature moves rapidly unless its in danger".  The velocity of my own thinking is astounding at times.  Nothing about its speed is in alignment with who I am.  I am moving quickly.  What am I in danger from?  I bring past dangers into the present.  Past fears, past patterns...

So why don't we slow down?  Why must we do so much and when we do slow down what would be there?  In the mother's group I was telling you about, there were some mothers who completely balked at the idea of sitting in silence for two minutes at the end of our time together.  I have learned that while I operate faster than normal, I truly treasure going slow or better said, I treasure being able to do both (fast and slow).  I believe, we/I don't slow down because sometimes receiving is too hard - dare I say painful.

Arrian says that we can tend to those moments when we stopped singing, dancing, being enchanted by story and especially our story and enjoy the comfort of silence and contemplation as moments when we have lost a bit of our soul.  Made me feel good because despite all of the crap I have been feeling, I can still do them all.  Perhaps being enchanted by my own story I have lost but singing, check, dancing, check, silence check check. 

What would it mean to authentically receive and take in?  First it means that parts of us that haven't received get reawakened and we are confronted with grief that lives there in those hollows of our body.  Second, it means that we cling to what we take in and are open to more grief when it isn't available.  People can't always be there when we need to receive, mother's milk is not limitless, and the sun is not always shining.   The Buddha says suffering is a guarantee.  So part of receiving fully is also a willingness to feel loss, to grieve skillfully, with a great deal of self compassion and acceptance.  It is just a part of life to not always have those things immediately available but we can still remain grateful for the present moment of sorry and our willingness to hold ourselves in our sorrow.   We need to risk this sorrow because it is the connection to eachother that enlivens us.  We are wired to herd, wired to connect, we are wired to receive. 

So, I am aware, that I can receive fully, give fully and do more than cope in my life if I am willing to hold myself with compassion and accept that sorrow is organic  - its no big deal.  What that also means is I will continue to sit in self compassion for I am still in a grieving process right now - the grief of the baby -  and not freak out.  Creating suffering about my suffering is just not useful.  Others are not bad but nor am I.  And that I can move slowly in this process. I can be grateful for my courage to feel grief without identifying with it and still sing and dance in the midst of it.  If I stay in my body the grief itself even feels very alive.  I am alive in this grief.  If I try to run, it chases me anyway through obsessive awful self critical thoughts.  Guess I would rather hold the grief with love and compassion than deal with that crap.  YUK!

I am grateful for being right where I am.  I am on a mission to fully live out my truth.  And I couldn't be luckier to have the right partner, kids, and friendships to receive when I need, give to when needed and grieve when let down.  Sign me up.  I am in!