Toward the end of the evening all who remained were me and my husband and a couple of my single friends. One an acupuncturist, one a therapist, one a burgeoning tarot card reader and my husband. I got really triggered by some of the things that came up in the conversation and went to bed angry at myself for being triggered and surely, again, my feelings must be wrong, you are screwed up etc. It is this line of thought that is my problem, not the trigger. The general theme was really just the difference between being single and having two active toddlers and what kind of devotion you can commit to things that I have admitted previously in this blog are so important. But still, I think that certain kinds of sharing, can easily drift into advice giving, one upmanship and lack compassion.
I am really getting that "doing" is less important than "accepting" and that cultivating self compassion - where ever that happens, taking a dump or sitting on a meditation cushion, it is all good. Would I like to be radically re devoting more time to certain self care activities? YES! But in the meantime, self compassion and compassion from others greases my wheels. I got to experience being told that my primal and existential place of struggle (which is more painful than my usual dysthymia) was right where I needed to be. I am open to hearing that when it is mixed with compassion, not when it is delivered devoid of compassion and tinged with one upmanship. And, I was appreciativee of the mirror, because I think I have done that to people too and I am really committing myself in my own practice with psychotherapy clients the art of beginner's mind - to not know or even need to be an expert, so live and learn. I likely was triggered because I am in the process of letting this "need to be expert go". It was still painful to here my friends speak so discompassionately about people who hadn't evolved enough and how they should.
Needless to say, on Monday, which we term "mama day" I was exhausted from this party. I was still dealing with my inner critic and just a general malaise. All I wanted was to go recuperate from the beating I had given myself...I was brutal. But here were my two sons, no doubt picking up on my state and wanting more attention and still coming down, themselves, from all the people in our house. I just couldn't relate to them. "Oh great", I thought "Bad parenting, another thing to beat up on myself about."
So we went to the beach. Had a sandwich, I even indulged in a diet coke and potato chips which aren't my usual fare and a laundry basket full of sand toys at a safe spot where no one could get carried out to sea. I could feel their desire for me to join in and I also was aware, I just needed to sit, take in the moment, regroup, especially after the chaotic morning me and the boys had had, me probably not tending well to tantrums.
We hadn't been there ten minutes when a mother comes with two sons - I found out later were just has far apart as mine and only six months older. She was actively playing with her kids, full on building moats and turrets and collecting sea weed and skillfully re directing them when any sibling rivalry showed up, was mirroring and exuberant (I am offered some reprieve bc it felt a little feigned) but what do you think I did? I started comparing myself. I should be more like her. I should want to play right now too. And when my oldest was drawn to join their play, I was sure this was proof I was parenting poorly. I went over and tried to join in but it just wasn't where I was. We played with them for 45 minutes but after some time, I realized, you know I am ready for us to leave. I have played "nice" with this exuberant mother. I really can make this easier on me and in turn feel more connected to my kids. My youngest was beginning to bully her sons so there was a signpost he was tired.
We got home and had a great time and I must say, it was so much easier to take care of myself rather than tell some kind of story about how screwed up I am bc I wasn't playing with my kids. Truth be told, I have been mindful of not wanting to intrude on my children's play and delight in what they come up with when I don't direct the play (like the mud, straw rock chocolate ice cream concoction they made in an old potty chair they found). My kids and I all made the best smoothies we have ever made, ran around naked in the sunny back yard and everyone got to nap on time so mama got to do some self care. Funny too, I saw a mom walking to the parking lot as I was leaving the beach, her children tantrum and all I felt real empathy as her face contorted in that combo impatience, embarrassment and forcibly keeping it cool. What I sent to her was "Hang in there. You are doing a great job." Yet again, proving to myself compassion breeds compassion. Have compassion for my own limits and needs allowed my heart to bust wide open to this other mother.
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