Poetry to my Soul

So there are two things that turn me on.  Relating and thinking about relating. In my readings about psychotherapy, couples counseling and parenting, I am often sad that the books lack the lyricism and beauty that is involved in doing the jobs that light up my heart and life; loving my clients, kids and husband.  I have pulled off my "over stuffed" bookshelf a book I have had for almost ten years, A General Theory of Love over the last three months because it has put the lyrical and poetic back into teaching and relating and psychology.

The book covers  (cheesily I stole from an Amazon.com book reviewer) this;

There are 3 "axioms" for successful love: (1) Connect, (2) Be authentic, (3) The earlier the better. The more these 3 conditions are met, the more we experience love. Now that is a theory we can apply! As a member of the corporate world, I like the fact that the authors offer solutions not just scientific observations and results. "Connect" means listen, look at, etc. "Be authentic" means say what you are really feeling not what is convenient or politically correct. "The earlier the better" suggests that loving is most crucial early in life and early in relationships.

But listen to the WAY it covers;

So it is with the emotional mind.  If the fountain water were frozen as solid as the rock that cups it, we could predict its conformation over the next minute with certainty.  If all possible arrangements of water molecules were equally probable, we could throw up our hands in graceful defeat before infinity.  It is the liquidity of the water and the mind that befuddles, their ability to assume an array of forms with immense - but not limitless-variety.  Like a bead of sea spray, the future of an emotional mind hangs between the immobility of  stone and the freedom of the summer sky.  Identity can change, but only within the outlines its architecture commands. 

               -A General Theory of Love, Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon, p. 166

This book is a right brain to right brain transmission.  A feat for words!  I am grateful.  There are some nits about the book but I am not one to throw all out because of nits. 

Being in Authentic Connection

Just left my consult group, unpacking unconscious interactions between clients and therapists.  It is easy to get caught up, per my post earlier, that everything is about "my" wounding but what I am getting is that we miss out if that is all we focus on.  I learned early on that I had to look deeply at myself and take on all the blame for any mishaps that were happening in relationship -if I was the screw up the other person didn't have to be anxious or feel uncomfortable.  Even my nervous system work sometimes too readily has me oriented towards my nervous system vulnerabilities around attachment rather than fully inhabiting my experience with the other - as curious about their experience as my own.  In other words, this old pattern has me miss out on my experience of being in connection to other people - I am too focused on being a wounded fuck up rather than notice "hey you over there!".

 What it takes to be in authentic connection is a willingness to reveal your experience, to stand for your experience, without labeling it as good or bad, wounded or not and without burdening the other person to fix it and part of what is IN that experience is fully relating and experiencing the connection with others.    I now finally understand Fritz Perls' "Contact is Curative".  Sharing the moment to moment experience of who we are rather than once removed interpretations or defenses is real contact.  I feel so grateful for so many people in my life I do connect with in this way.  I seem to orient towards all the people I can't and that somehow that must mean what I am experiencing or who I am is fucked up.  I am still struggling with how to relate to people in my personal life who aren't attempting to live out their authentic experience.  I feel a bit unsafe around those people.   For now I am grateful to be in this rare club of souls who are deeply interested in authentic connection.  Being freed up, this afternoon from the usual "you're fucked up" song and dance leaves me so softened in my body and so eager for more connection with my friends and family.  Thank you friends and sweet husband and kids!