On the Outside Looking Out

Yep.  I am in a rocky spot.  It was odd, what triggered it was a combo of fear and fear.  Fear about money, fear about screwing up my kid.  And in both instances my brain made an appraisal that my partner not only couldn't hold me in my fear but actively was against me.  Small gestural, tone of voice, expression thing he did.  When my nervous system gets a double whammy, one two punch like this, I find it hard to get on my own side and calm down.  So I have been hyper aroused and tense all day.

So where am I now?  I want my mommy!  Really.  And so I start rapid cycling through faces and images of people I know who can help me calm down and find my way back to believing I don't totally suck.  You see how this hyperarousal works.  I feel a little calmed writing out what is happening as it is happening as it gives me some observing distance.  I am aware that where I am going is I am looking for confirmation of the internal story that says "I SUCK" and much meaner versions of that by sifting through all the faces and images in my recent past that prove it.

I have been pained by one or two friends who really drop me when I reach for them.  I am actually ok with "you sound upset.  I am busy, can't be there." but lack of response is the "third punch" in that "you suck" punching game.  So I am of course self flagellating right now by looking for the fourth, fifth and sixth punches.  Who else can prove that I am not worth being held when I am hurting!?  Yep.  That is what I am doing.  You know what, I just can't be friends with people who drop me.  I don't do that to others.  I have to accept that not everyone wants to just say it.  I actually did call one gal today and just said "hey i am noticing this happens when I share and wanted to just check it out with you what comes up for you.  I am good with hearing no.".  No response.

I guess the message is, I can radically and whole heartedly accept my need for some continuity of contact as ok, whole and good and I can accept that some friendships can't provide that.  I also can refocus on the 7 - yes SEVEN friends who I do have that level of intimacy with and stop turning toward people who confirm the three four and five punch - you suck mentality. What I am stumped by is I still really dig this woman, inspite of the fact she can't meet me.

ooops.  Catcing myself.  See,  I am outside me.  All my focus is outside me obcessing - back and forth on this person or that person and why, how come, why not, what if, souldn't they...this is the voice of activation...my attachment system is lit up and I am proximity seeking with no one in sight.  What is happening to those parts of me hurting when I do this?  Not only are they not getting held, they aren't even getting held by me.  I am iinadvertently telling them they suck BC I am unable to slow down, turn towards myself and hold myself.  I do this all the time.  And I am blaming it on other people when in fact, I need to hold me!

K.  Going to go hold myself.

I Think You Are Crazy

Yep.  A mother in our longstanding playgroup has said on four separate occasions that "When I first met you I thought you were nuts." loudly in front of the whole group.  Once, funny - multiple times, one starts to wonder.   It sort of is the "worst case scenario" for me with other mothers.  It IS what my own mother has told me verbatim the whole of my life.  I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog that I went ahead and wore the "crazy" hat with my own mom because if I did, then my connection to her was not in jeopardy or it wasn't nearly as exhausting. 

Many years of therapy later what I have learned is there is nothing crazy about me.  As mentioned, I get hyper aroused in trigger situations that send me into fight, flight, freeze, submit or attach (cling) responses.  I made a best attempt at what is biologically wired in to all humans; to attach to my mother. What looks crazy is highly intelligent.  Learning about being in authentic connection, my triggers and how to calm my nervous system  have been my life's work.  I notice as I type this I am hyper aroused.  My sacrum is clenched as I hold back the fight/flight response.  So I will close my eyes and ; track very subtle body sensations and breath, then see myself quite literally pushing against that sentence "You are crazy" - push it out of my boundaried space and look squarely at the person saying it.  If needed,I will have the wise adult self in me hold the fighty and frighty kid that has gotten so aroused so she can be helped in calming down (or ask my husband to throw his arms around me as he is sitting here next to me.)  Will pick up writing in a second.  

Ok, did above and then husband held me, then we moved to a position where I just laid on my back while he had one hand holding my sacrum and the other holding my hand as I just released.  Lots of sadness came up there in releasing my sacrum.  I got an image of a little girl leaning forward, hands on her hips, enraged, screaming "you can't talk to me that way."  She was seven and while well defended yet she was alone.  As if this screaming were hapening in a sound proof box, no one really hearing seeing or getting her.  An angry and alone seven year old was what was all being held tightly and quietly inside my low back.  Yep, I know her all right.  Come sit in my lap.  I know how to hold you, sweetheart.  And by the way, thank you for holding on to this anger.  You made sure inside we didn't get squashed!

On to this playgroup mother.  I am writing about this because writing about it is another way to clarify to the world that I am no longer interested or willing to ingest "crazy" judgements from others.  I am also no longer interested in being in relationship with folks that need me to hold that for them.  This most recent run in happened on valentine's day and as I have been successfully pushing the comment out of my body/mind what I have reflected on is a lot of empathy and clear seeing about the other woman.  Prior to my own sequencing work with my nervous system I would have bounced around in an obcessional circle of I suck to she sucks until it got exhausting and I would then ride around in hopeless land.  Sensorimotor psychotherapy really has changed my life.

Reflecting back on my first meeting with clear seeing, I realized that this first meeting with this mother took place at a Shaman led sharing group three years ago.   This woman dropped in to this group that was intensely deep but loosely held and discovered it wasn't for her by judging it because she herself got hyper aroused.  Her drop in occurred precisely the day I announced to the rest of the group that I had "divorced my mother".  I remember what a landmark proclamation this was and I needed the support so I took a risk.  I felt good.  I felt embodied.  I wasn't even overwhelmed and shaky as I can get when vulnerable in groups.  She left early and I didn't see her around for a year and did not remember her when I met her in our sort of "vanilla" playgroup. 

Spending a life time trying to either make my mother or other people wrong, as I had, in response to their hurtfulness is such a long suffering road.  It is the stuff of hyper arousal though.   I am proud to say, I am not interested in making this mother wrong for her experience or even for what she keeps saying to me.   I can simply send the judgement back, say no thank you and calm myself.  In cases where I am committed to the relationship I get curious and see what I need relationally.  In this woman's case I haven't gotten too curious just because our social interactions haven't been inspiring enough for me to want to deepen connection. But for other relationships my curiosity and empathy lead to a clear "Oh they see the world differently than me and I need this in order to stay in connection."  I can work out any relational nits when I can calm my nervous system making room for empathy to lead the way. 

Blogging creates another avenue to "send it back", have a voice, show empathy, set a boundary be vulnerable and try out safely relating... and maybe along the way I will feel less triggered around other mothers to do the same face to face - even if it means getting hurt.  After all, mother's are my favorite people to project this "I think you are crazy" story the fight part of me has held so dearly for my mom.  And many of them will willingly pick it up and mirror it right back to me.   No wonder I am on high alert around them.  I am deeply grateful to this woman.  The pain I experienced by her comments lit a fire under my ass in my own therapy.   It has given me lots to work with.  And it motivated me to start this blog several weeks ago.  Really, her comments were the beginning.  My own therapist deserves the credit for my blog name.  She said to me "Wow.  These mothers are your dojo."  I expanded that.  Mothering is my dojo.

Connection Soothes Us

I have been steeped in reading for my job today.  Reading Trauma and the Body by Pat Ogden.  I have a post in the works that will detail more about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy but just wanted to say how over stimulating relating to little kids can be to our nervous systems - certainly to mine.  Calming our nervous systems is a process we do both on our own and in relationship.  In my case, I am getting better at both forms of calming down and supporting my often over aroused nervous system.  I also have to be accutely aware of how I am caring for myself since I am a fragile bee and ironically when I get too frazzled I compensate by defending myself by pushing people away at the exact same time I reach for them - very very confusing for them - they think I am nuts when I do this.  I used to think I was nuts but now know it is just a trigger that has my nervous system so hyper aroused my only option for being in connection is to connect and push away at the same time.  It is what was involved in connection when I was young so it is how I do it now.  I have spent over 15 years in therapy and am now a soon to be licensed therapist who practices every day how to feel calm and less trembly or less "fighty" in relationship.

All this being said, I made an attempt at starting a mother's group a few years ago where I wasn't the leader but participant.  The intention was to create a place to talk about real issues related to parenting and a place to off steam emotional upsets so we could be supported and held by one another and not carry them forward into how we were relating to our kids.  Two things happened though;
1. The group turned quickly into the "let's be nice and not too vulnerable" and without a group leader no one challenged us sliding into this "nice girl" morose and it lost its vitality for half of us so the group ended
2. I discovered that being vulnerable with a bunch of mothers was a trigger for shakey fighty - push pull hyper arousal stuff.  Being around mothers whom I had let down my guard with left me both longing for connection and defending against it at the same time. 
It was a painful experience to be so exposed, shaky and socially awkward at the exact time I was over taxed by two toddler boys trying to ransack eachother at any moment but I couldn't stop the fight flight and attach responses.  It is only now that I don't obcess over what these women think of me and instead turn all my attentions to that young girl inside of me with deep emapthy and holding.  The reading in Pat Ogden's book just expanded my own empathy and I integrated more about how biological this reaction around other mothers is for me.  It is a bummer.  And it is why I named this blog as I did.

Perhaps more than parenting my kids, motherhood has become my dojo because this mothering group has become a face to face confrontation with how shaky I get in when I am in vulnerable connection and working through that skillfully with my own therapist opens up new connection possibilities for me with other mothers that I haven't yet been able to safely experience in all my relationships. I have had to table the mother's groups for awhile because the level of triggering I feel, doesn't seem kind to put myself there without some good somatic resourcing in my body and a strong Mama self holding the shaking and fighty parts of my nervous system.  I am working on it and making huge progress.