I Think You Are Crazy

Yep.  A mother in our longstanding playgroup has said on four separate occasions that "When I first met you I thought you were nuts." loudly in front of the whole group.  Once, funny - multiple times, one starts to wonder.   It sort of is the "worst case scenario" for me with other mothers.  It IS what my own mother has told me verbatim the whole of my life.  I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog that I went ahead and wore the "crazy" hat with my own mom because if I did, then my connection to her was not in jeopardy or it wasn't nearly as exhausting. 

Many years of therapy later what I have learned is there is nothing crazy about me.  As mentioned, I get hyper aroused in trigger situations that send me into fight, flight, freeze, submit or attach (cling) responses.  I made a best attempt at what is biologically wired in to all humans; to attach to my mother. What looks crazy is highly intelligent.  Learning about being in authentic connection, my triggers and how to calm my nervous system  have been my life's work.  I notice as I type this I am hyper aroused.  My sacrum is clenched as I hold back the fight/flight response.  So I will close my eyes and ; track very subtle body sensations and breath, then see myself quite literally pushing against that sentence "You are crazy" - push it out of my boundaried space and look squarely at the person saying it.  If needed,I will have the wise adult self in me hold the fighty and frighty kid that has gotten so aroused so she can be helped in calming down (or ask my husband to throw his arms around me as he is sitting here next to me.)  Will pick up writing in a second.  

Ok, did above and then husband held me, then we moved to a position where I just laid on my back while he had one hand holding my sacrum and the other holding my hand as I just released.  Lots of sadness came up there in releasing my sacrum.  I got an image of a little girl leaning forward, hands on her hips, enraged, screaming "you can't talk to me that way."  She was seven and while well defended yet she was alone.  As if this screaming were hapening in a sound proof box, no one really hearing seeing or getting her.  An angry and alone seven year old was what was all being held tightly and quietly inside my low back.  Yep, I know her all right.  Come sit in my lap.  I know how to hold you, sweetheart.  And by the way, thank you for holding on to this anger.  You made sure inside we didn't get squashed!

On to this playgroup mother.  I am writing about this because writing about it is another way to clarify to the world that I am no longer interested or willing to ingest "crazy" judgements from others.  I am also no longer interested in being in relationship with folks that need me to hold that for them.  This most recent run in happened on valentine's day and as I have been successfully pushing the comment out of my body/mind what I have reflected on is a lot of empathy and clear seeing about the other woman.  Prior to my own sequencing work with my nervous system I would have bounced around in an obcessional circle of I suck to she sucks until it got exhausting and I would then ride around in hopeless land.  Sensorimotor psychotherapy really has changed my life.

Reflecting back on my first meeting with clear seeing, I realized that this first meeting with this mother took place at a Shaman led sharing group three years ago.   This woman dropped in to this group that was intensely deep but loosely held and discovered it wasn't for her by judging it because she herself got hyper aroused.  Her drop in occurred precisely the day I announced to the rest of the group that I had "divorced my mother".  I remember what a landmark proclamation this was and I needed the support so I took a risk.  I felt good.  I felt embodied.  I wasn't even overwhelmed and shaky as I can get when vulnerable in groups.  She left early and I didn't see her around for a year and did not remember her when I met her in our sort of "vanilla" playgroup. 

Spending a life time trying to either make my mother or other people wrong, as I had, in response to their hurtfulness is such a long suffering road.  It is the stuff of hyper arousal though.   I am proud to say, I am not interested in making this mother wrong for her experience or even for what she keeps saying to me.   I can simply send the judgement back, say no thank you and calm myself.  In cases where I am committed to the relationship I get curious and see what I need relationally.  In this woman's case I haven't gotten too curious just because our social interactions haven't been inspiring enough for me to want to deepen connection. But for other relationships my curiosity and empathy lead to a clear "Oh they see the world differently than me and I need this in order to stay in connection."  I can work out any relational nits when I can calm my nervous system making room for empathy to lead the way. 

Blogging creates another avenue to "send it back", have a voice, show empathy, set a boundary be vulnerable and try out safely relating... and maybe along the way I will feel less triggered around other mothers to do the same face to face - even if it means getting hurt.  After all, mother's are my favorite people to project this "I think you are crazy" story the fight part of me has held so dearly for my mom.  And many of them will willingly pick it up and mirror it right back to me.   No wonder I am on high alert around them.  I am deeply grateful to this woman.  The pain I experienced by her comments lit a fire under my ass in my own therapy.   It has given me lots to work with.  And it motivated me to start this blog several weeks ago.  Really, her comments were the beginning.  My own therapist deserves the credit for my blog name.  She said to me "Wow.  These mothers are your dojo."  I expanded that.  Mothering is my dojo.