It is not all about me and it is...

I love to brood, think deeply and tinker around psychologically.  It is a hobby. I especially love it when the tenor of my brooding is one of curiousity and acceptance rather than maniacal self criticism or judgement of others.  I know the latter is just that "fighty" part of my nervous system - she got scared so she puts her dukes up.  No dukes up today.  In fact, I feel expansive.  My heart feels very full, I have a natural spring in my step, a smile and a deep calm and quiet. 

I was having coffee outside - decided to take a 15 minute break after dropping my kids off at daycare before starting work.  A million ruminations ran through my mind.  As I sat down I was aware of the shitty thing I said to my husband...I mean I was really snotty and critical.  So I sat and I felt what was underneath.  Quickly I realized that I interpreted his request as signaling that I am not doing a good job.  It all happened so fast and then I shot back with a really snarky low blow to which he replied "Hey that really hurt my feelings.  I don't appreciate you talking to me like that."  As I sat with what was going on for me,  I tried to imagine, for a change, well what was going on for him?  I don't know.  What led him to get on me about finding Wednesday night childcare....he had a worried kind of urgency about it and wasn't very in tune with the fact that I already had been putting feelers out there.   I just feel profoundly how much I love my husband and how grateful I am that we deeply consider eachother, look, fight well and tell the truth even though there are lots of ways we get scared of being vulnerable we do it anyway. I felt in communion with all the plants around me as I took my next sip of coffee feeling that gratitude and feeling grateful for a moment of silent non brooding and just feeling my feet on the dirt, smelling the wet dampness and the way the morning sunlight played with the color of the plants.

Then I was reminded of my conversation wtih our extremely well attuned day care provider.  I internally had been feeling a little hurt at her not responding to a scan of a book she wanted which I managed to do for her despite the busyness of kids etc.  But as I was talking with her this morning and she remembered and thanked me she shared small pieces of what was going on in her life and there were some interesting unconcious communications.  One comment she made was "I wish I had someone to call when I am stressed".  I picked up on some energy and what it felt like to me was a longing and receiving but not fully taking in.  Here I was ready to listen and even listening but she wasn't quite taking me in that I was actually already listening to her.  Likely the same with the book pages.  I didn't come closer and foist myself upon her after this unconcious transmission I picked up from her but rather my heart just opened and  I thought, "Yeah I know those places in me sometimes."  Without judgement I just honored where she was today in my heart and was grateful that part of me that originally felt hurt managed to redirect my attention to curiousity and empathy for her and for all beings who suffer.  It has left me feeling deeply connected to myself, my heart and my day today.  In this place of compassion we are whole.   I am surrounded by sego lillies aren't I?  More on that later.