Your Child is Good, You are Good

Psychotherapists call it splittling - a young defense of making the world black and white, good or bad.  I still split even after working on myself for years and years.  The last three days my older son has been actively aggressive with his younger brother and last night the switch flipped and inside what I wondered is "Holy Crap, is my kid on the way to Conduct Disorder or a life in prison for serial killing and crap do I suck as a parent?" In my judgement I sent him away to his time out room - completely abandonning him.  No empathy for what it must be like to feel tension and jealousy at such a young age - I was too wrapped up in judgement of myself and him ( a nervous system arousal response mind you that a good amount of deep breathing could have helped).  Here is a quote from a Hand In Hand parenting article which helped remind me again that ALL KIDS ARE GOOD rather it is our judgement that they are bad that begins to turn them bad.  I am aware, inside, of a deep sadness as I know this IS what happened to me and continues in my relationship with my own mother.  She splits me into good and bad and has ZERO capacity to empathize.  I am greatful I can empathize most of the time with my kids but I am a work in progress. 

I think what I am most aware of in the excerpt below is how little we listen to eachother in the way Patty Wipfler is describing.  That is why people have to go to therapists.  We have lost the fine art of empathy in our cutlure and have either replaced ith with sympathy or fix it  - both which have a "get over it" kind of soothe as opposed to a "I hear you and you can continue to express until you are done".  It is growing rarer and even some forms of therapy are very "fix it" oriented which implies something needs to be fixed.  I don't believe that.  Just like kids are good, I fundamentally believe people are good - they just lose their way because they lost connection along the way.  I am way oversimplifying but even with my most difficult clients, I trust there is wholeness and goodness beneath!

From Hand in Hand Parenting Article on Sibling Rivalry by Patty Wipfler.  Check these guys out.  I think they are doing something poweful.  When I make some more money,  I hope I can contribute more to thsi non profit!
Original Link Here:  http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/4/64/Sibling-Solutions

When one sibling is harsh toward another
Children who touch too roughly, or hug too tightly, or hit or poke or hurt their siblings are sending clear signals that they have some upsets that need to be listened to. Even very young children can be gentle with younger ones, as long as they are feeling "filled up" with attention, and relaxed. So any sign of harshness from one sibling to another can be taken as a sign that the child is not feeling connected or relaxed enough to function thoughtfully. When you notice that a child has been rough, scolding him or ordering him to do things correctly won't help. This only frightens your child more, and makes it less likely that he'll be able to act thoughtfully.

What does help is to move in quickly and gently. Very gently but firmly stop the tense child from touching the younger child, but don't remove him. Say, “I'll help you be next to Sammy,” and guide his hands or his kisses so that they land softly, Move so that you can make eye contact with the older child, and invite him kindly to take a look at you. Usually, because the child is tense with upset, he can't look at you for long, and when he tries, the upset begins to make him want to go away. Gently stay with him and keep him close, continuing to let him feel your attention and your support. Usually, the child will move rather quickly into a tantrum or a big cry about wanting you or not wanting you, or about wanting to touch the baby, or not wanting the baby. All those feelings are important facets of the nugget of upset he's trying to offload. If you stay with him, without criticism, he'll be able to cry or tantrum it through.

When our children hurt each other, we need help ourselves
Seeing one sibling hurt another is one of the most trying times in our lives as parents. It makes us feel like we aren’t succeeding at the really important part of parenting. And often, it sets us up to be harsh toward the child who did the hurting, even though we love that child deeply. Sometimes, when the hurting has become frequent, almost habitual, sibling troubles infect the way all the members of the family feel all of the time. As hard as these times are for us, we need to keep the perspective that they happen in just about every family. Perhaps we’ll come to a time in human history when life is so gentle that sibling aggression is rarer, but we’re not there yet.

One difficulty we have in finding good ways out of sibling tangles, little or big, is that we parents generally haven’t seen parents handle sibling difficulties without harshness. It feels like harshness is necessary, even justified, to get the aggression to stop. But if we reason things through, it’s hard to see how harshness from a grownup could beget love and tenderness between children. There must be a better answer.
And there is, but it’s not easy. I think the most effective answer lies off the beaten path of a parent’s life. Since it works so well, here goes.

When our children begin to fight and it creates upset in the family, it’s time for the parent looking for a solution to find a listener. Parents with fighting siblings get upset. Upset people don’t solve people problems well. We have to be able to win the hearts of our children back to us, before they can love each other well again. And to win a child’s heart, a grownup needs to shed his doubts about the goodness of the child. When our children fight, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that they are good children. When they fight, at least one of them is experiencing a blackout in his thinking. He hasn’t stopped being a good person, he’s just stopped thinking. It happens to us every day too. For example, when our children fight, we often stop thinking.
So a good first move is to find someone who can, without interruption, judgment, or advice, listen to you talk about the child who gets lost in upset. Some of the things to talk about are: What was it like for you and that child when he was born? When he was an infant? What was the last time you really felt close to him? Enjoyed him? What do you feel like doing when he hurts his sibling? What do you do? What would have happened to you if you had acted like he does when you were a child? What do you worry about? What hurts you or angers you when you see your children fighting?

Telling someone about each of these threads of experience and feeling will help. If you can show some of the feelings that arise, all the better. The feelings are sitting there, waiting for release.
Sometimes, it helps to talk about the situation several times. Don’ make your children listen to the stories you have. They are best saved for other adults.

Your child is good
Sooner or later, every child with siblings gets upset with his brother or sister. But try to keep a good perspective: even when consumed with big feelings, your child is good. He's signaling you for help as clearly and as vigorously as he knows how. You may need some listening time from another adult to remember his goodness. Once your own upset isn't throbbing, you'll again be able to spend one-on-one time with him, a good first step toward healing his aching heart.