Connection Soothes Us

I have been steeped in reading for my job today.  Reading Trauma and the Body by Pat Ogden.  I have a post in the works that will detail more about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy but just wanted to say how over stimulating relating to little kids can be to our nervous systems - certainly to mine.  Calming our nervous systems is a process we do both on our own and in relationship.  In my case, I am getting better at both forms of calming down and supporting my often over aroused nervous system.  I also have to be accutely aware of how I am caring for myself since I am a fragile bee and ironically when I get too frazzled I compensate by defending myself by pushing people away at the exact same time I reach for them - very very confusing for them - they think I am nuts when I do this.  I used to think I was nuts but now know it is just a trigger that has my nervous system so hyper aroused my only option for being in connection is to connect and push away at the same time.  It is what was involved in connection when I was young so it is how I do it now.  I have spent over 15 years in therapy and am now a soon to be licensed therapist who practices every day how to feel calm and less trembly or less "fighty" in relationship.

All this being said, I made an attempt at starting a mother's group a few years ago where I wasn't the leader but participant.  The intention was to create a place to talk about real issues related to parenting and a place to off steam emotional upsets so we could be supported and held by one another and not carry them forward into how we were relating to our kids.  Two things happened though;
1. The group turned quickly into the "let's be nice and not too vulnerable" and without a group leader no one challenged us sliding into this "nice girl" morose and it lost its vitality for half of us so the group ended
2. I discovered that being vulnerable with a bunch of mothers was a trigger for shakey fighty - push pull hyper arousal stuff.  Being around mothers whom I had let down my guard with left me both longing for connection and defending against it at the same time. 
It was a painful experience to be so exposed, shaky and socially awkward at the exact time I was over taxed by two toddler boys trying to ransack eachother at any moment but I couldn't stop the fight flight and attach responses.  It is only now that I don't obcess over what these women think of me and instead turn all my attentions to that young girl inside of me with deep emapthy and holding.  The reading in Pat Ogden's book just expanded my own empathy and I integrated more about how biological this reaction around other mothers is for me.  It is a bummer.  And it is why I named this blog as I did.

Perhaps more than parenting my kids, motherhood has become my dojo because this mothering group has become a face to face confrontation with how shaky I get in when I am in vulnerable connection and working through that skillfully with my own therapist opens up new connection possibilities for me with other mothers that I haven't yet been able to safely experience in all my relationships. I have had to table the mother's groups for awhile because the level of triggering I feel, doesn't seem kind to put myself there without some good somatic resourcing in my body and a strong Mama self holding the shaking and fighty parts of my nervous system.  I am working on it and making huge progress.