Today at the formerly bemoaned indoor playground (better today bc OMA came) a little girl, probably my son's age, threw a pretty good protesting tantrum at not wanting to leave. I had seen this mother and her two young daughters and sized her up to be an attuned parent. To me it is no surprise it is often these parents whose kids tend to be less convenient in the behavior department and the parents expressions - even if frazzled often are also consious. I fantasize that they, like me, are interested in supporting whole kids and thus having convenient solidier-like kids isn't their goal. What was amazing was in the midst of my own son's trying morning he noticed this girl and was really gripped by her predicament. He noticed she didn't want her mom, she didn't want to leave but she was also feeling a lot of "big feelings". He walked over to her and knelt down in front of her and gently put his hand on her ankle and said "Hi. What is wrong? Is there anything you need?". I liked the way he asked it. A kind of "I'm here if you need me but if you don't that is fine too bc I know you can get through these feelings." I was a proud mama bear.
Reflecting on this little scene and then a note from a friend who wants to take a mother's workshop by Kathryn Black who has written one of my FAVORITE books on Mothering I of course had to snoop around to find info on Kathryn and may reach out to her to network about her mothers group which I also want to start up. I would LOVE to author a book on arousal states in mothers and kids - another angle of attachment that is touched on in the Allan Schore video I posted. I am moving to Germany in Summer of 2013. Maybe that will be my project then.
Anyway, as I came across this lovely article by Kathryn. I pulled out the story of her son's piano recital. She is such a lovely writer and if you haven't read Mothering Without a Map I frankly thing it, Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions and Dan Siegel's Parenting from the Inside Out are THE three books to read prior to having a child. So many that I love but these tree I think are MUSTS. Kathryn's article served as another good reminder for why I needn't swoop in and feel mommy guilt every time my son has to endure something hard. Maybe I didn't need to go into his bedroom and sleep on the floor afterall.
"There was the Sunday afternoon four years ago, for instance, when my then 6-year-old sat down at the piano in a recital hall. Midway through his piece, he got stuck on a musical phrase he could only repeat until, finally, he put his hands in his lap, his head down, and wept. I sat in the audience watching, nearly crying myself. His teacher got up and gave his thin shoulders a hug as she helped him up from the piano bench. He came tremulously to sit in my lap, burying his face in my neck. The “rescuing mom” inside me - the one who hasn’t the emotional stamina to bear her child’s distress - wanted desperately to console him with promises that he’d never to have to play the piano again.By Kathryn Black, What I Wish Every Parent Knew: A Space of Their Own, CHILD/2004The rescuer in me hovers, eager to lift the dumbbells and rob my children of opportunities to tone their coping muscles. My older son broke his foot the first weekend of summer, sentencing him to hobble through camp on crutches. When we learned a cast was forthcoming, I wanted to distract us both from the pain by saying, “Forget camp. Let’s go to Disneyland, Paris!” But I didn’t, any more than I canceled the piano lessons. I know these trials are theirs to endure.My older son watched the other children canoe, ride horses, and frolic in a wild food fight with counselors. My young one walked to the piano, terrified, at his next recital, played his piece imperfectly, and bowed. And, like his brother, he came away stronger.Each of these episodes helps me quiet that rescuing mom. I can see this is how children are meant to earn their emotional fitness - with parents standing nearby, not taking over but loving and encouraging."
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