Overpowering my kids

I am noticing, this morning, a quiet dull throbbing in the middle of my abdomen and heavy sinking feeling in my chest combined with what feels like a warmth there as well.  In classic me style, I have been brooding and analyzing some parenting behavior of mine that I feel ashamed about.  While on the one hand I feel ashamed and worried  "It is too late, my kids are screwed up forever and it is all my fault!" I am also feeling a deep sense of love and gratitude toward myself and other honest moms, in the moment, as I just read a mother's post on a list serve that helped me feel a little less alone.

In the case of the other mother she was noticing that in general she isn't very cuddly and that she leaves her kids wanting for a hug but that, in general, she has a more distant style of bonding and her worry about that.  To this mother, thank you for putting this out there because my heart opened to myself around this new issue for the first time in two days.  This mother also got such astute advice about studying what comes up for her in moments when her kids reach for her and to notice what needs of hers are present in that instant and to study her own relationship to receiving affection both in the present and in the past. 

Again, I felt grateful to be a part of such wise women.  Inside, right now, what I am aware of is a deep curiousity of this part of me that speeks to my kids in such disempowering ways -like I am a drill seargant barking out orders.  My oldest son has started withdrawing when I speak to him like this saying something like "I don't want to play with you anymore."  His response breaks my heart which I imagine might be one of the ways he feels when I communicate in such a disconnective, disempowering way.  The other thing I get curious about is how this "theme" of powersharing is what my son needs me to be studying and understanding so as I grapple with this  for myself, I get to empathize in a deep way with what is happening inside of him.  

My knee jerk reaction is to always beat up on myself here and make it all about me, right in this moment of honesty, but what I am going to do is go sit quiety with this part of myself that communicates this way and put my arms around her, comfort her, sit with my experiences in my body as I deeply feel how old she is, if any memories come up that relate to this demanding and overpowering behavior, empathize with her, understand what she is REALLY needing for herself in those moments that she is so crabby so that we can get those needs met in a different way rather than acting them out with my kids.  In doing this, however, I also can get in touch with my son. 

I will let you know what I find out in my next post.  Wondering if any of you have sat with yourself in this deeply empathic way as opposed to a shaming way and what you discovered for yourself?