On the Outside Looking Out

Yep.  I am in a rocky spot.  It was odd, what triggered it was a combo of fear and fear.  Fear about money, fear about screwing up my kid.  And in both instances my brain made an appraisal that my partner not only couldn't hold me in my fear but actively was against me.  Small gestural, tone of voice, expression thing he did.  When my nervous system gets a double whammy, one two punch like this, I find it hard to get on my own side and calm down.  So I have been hyper aroused and tense all day.

So where am I now?  I want my mommy!  Really.  And so I start rapid cycling through faces and images of people I know who can help me calm down and find my way back to believing I don't totally suck.  You see how this hyperarousal works.  I feel a little calmed writing out what is happening as it is happening as it gives me some observing distance.  I am aware that where I am going is I am looking for confirmation of the internal story that says "I SUCK" and much meaner versions of that by sifting through all the faces and images in my recent past that prove it.

I have been pained by one or two friends who really drop me when I reach for them.  I am actually ok with "you sound upset.  I am busy, can't be there." but lack of response is the "third punch" in that "you suck" punching game.  So I am of course self flagellating right now by looking for the fourth, fifth and sixth punches.  Who else can prove that I am not worth being held when I am hurting!?  Yep.  That is what I am doing.  You know what, I just can't be friends with people who drop me.  I don't do that to others.  I have to accept that not everyone wants to just say it.  I actually did call one gal today and just said "hey i am noticing this happens when I share and wanted to just check it out with you what comes up for you.  I am good with hearing no.".  No response.

I guess the message is, I can radically and whole heartedly accept my need for some continuity of contact as ok, whole and good and I can accept that some friendships can't provide that.  I also can refocus on the 7 - yes SEVEN friends who I do have that level of intimacy with and stop turning toward people who confirm the three four and five punch - you suck mentality. What I am stumped by is I still really dig this woman, inspite of the fact she can't meet me.

ooops.  Catcing myself.  See,  I am outside me.  All my focus is outside me obcessing - back and forth on this person or that person and why, how come, why not, what if, souldn't they...this is the voice of activation...my attachment system is lit up and I am proximity seeking with no one in sight.  What is happening to those parts of me hurting when I do this?  Not only are they not getting held, they aren't even getting held by me.  I am iinadvertently telling them they suck BC I am unable to slow down, turn towards myself and hold myself.  I do this all the time.  And I am blaming it on other people when in fact, I need to hold me!

K.  Going to go hold myself.