"You Are My Nest..."

So this week remained challenging...uh to say the least.  I was in the mama underworld yesterday again which will inspire my "mama rescue plan" and "mama prevention plan" blog posts.   I am aware, for the umpteempth time, that I am doing too much and the way my little family is organizing life is not in alignment with what maintains health and well being.  Stay tuned. 

What I  am astonishingly aware of is how painful goodbyes, however brief, are for little kids.  My husband is a huge part of the love, grace and compassion in our house.  If I am type A he is the opposite.  He is warm, cuddly, mellow but also not complacent or neglectful. (And woefully good looking.  Just had to. He reads my blogs sometimes and its true).  The "we" of our family is the best part of my life.  Sure there are times he gets sucked into cultural norms of "man" vs. "woman" and we are heated fighters but our relationship is deeply authentic and I trust my husband vastly - with my deepest vulnerabilities.  We don't let things fester.  I am probably the driver of truth telling - my best attribute.  (see I said something nice about myself).   Needless to say, when he is not in the house, everyone misses him.  He is part of our whole.  I have some friends whose husbands could leave for weeks on end and there would be minimal impact on the family's nervous system just because their dynamic is different and a great compliment to my husband's attunement to us.

Saturday my very wonderful in laws left after three weeks and Sunday my husband left.  My oldest was really really in pain about this.  His behavior became very very trying for me.  And I failed him.  Some moments I could hold the space, other moments, I just couldn't.  I have also had some massive losses the same week - my husband, my in laws, I had to say goodbye to my therapist of 6 years (can you say massive), my cleaning ladies of 6 years and my Jungian consultation group.  Money is so tight, I can save $1000/ month cutting those things.  So I was not a good nervous system to hold my son and off to dysregulation land we went.  Our emotions were like a roller coaster and yesterday I went off the rails into "I suck land" which is why the rescue plan will be forth coming.

Today I am reaching out to the mother's I trust and taking my focus away from folks, for whatever reason, who can't connect.  Isolation is the friend of self doubt and shame.  Connection is the antidote to self doubt and shame.  If I could type those two sentences 100 more times I would.  My challenge is to get better at knowing how, who and when to share with people who aren't therapist types.  I am learning, getting better. 

So Fridays, I have mentioned, are pancake Friday's.  I try on the role of housewife, put on my apron, both sons belly up to he counter, as we make pancakes together.   Papa was home from his trip and my oldest was back in alignment with his heart again.  He was so connected to us all.  After hugging Papa this morning he initiated our usual morning family "group hug".  His growing independence has him thwarting this tradition more often but this morning, he was so embracing of us all as a whole.  My whole body just sunk into that group hug, the four of us.  We each got a kitty cat kiss (he licks our face) and squeezed tightly.

Later on, after pancakes were eaten, he crawled up into Papa's lap and nestled inside his embrace and said "Ah, Papa you are my nest."  And then he smiled over at me and said "And Mama's your nest.".  Most of the time I carry around too much self doubt to feel like I am a nest to anyone but it isn't true.  I am.  Even when I am doing it poorly I am still being looked to as a nest.  And I think what he was speaking to was just how much our whole family is a nest for us all and when that nest is not intact, we feel shaky.  We are all happy to have our nest back together. I needed the nest too. Honey, we missed you this week!