What We Revisit

The baby inside is still crying.  The image has transcended imagery and taken over my whole body.  In my hunt for a new psychotherapist I interviewed a woman today who works in the way I want to work and she said something to me that felt normalizing as I was lamenting why I seem to be revisiting the SAME material over and over and she pointed out we cycle through the same material at deeper levels and she exuded some confidence at the depth at which I am now working - it is magically profound and at times otherworldly.  The last two years have been all about my relationship to my mother.  Frankly, I thought I was done with this piece about 5 years ago...but now I am at that unconscious infantile wish state rather than the rebellious teenager.
I have maxed out on my capacity to hold this baby so no words of wisdom on "how I have gotten through it".  Best I can say is that today I made it through the day and that I am officially surrendering to the notion that this year long depression hasn't lifted and well, I am going to go get some meds.  I toyed with the idea six months ago but wasn't sure.  But I now think it isn't a decision of escape, it is a decision of being a responsible parent.

One note of gratitude: I labored for months over a chair to put in the corner nook in my bedroom.  I wanted one just like we had as a little girl.  It is a Queen Anne (not my typical style) but when I was little I would lay my head over each arm and lean into the back of the chair.  It was puffed out and when I lay there I would close my eyes and pretend like I was laying in my great grandfather's lap.  He was the one figure in my youngest childhood where I felt safe, calm and I could count on.   He was the one person who would light up when I came in the room. I can still smell is Old Spice and silky polyester shirts on my skin.  I remember how calm I would get when he was around because it meant no one was going to pounce on me, no tickle torture, no criticism, no teasing!   Even in the midst of my very hard day I sat in my new "Papa Bob" chair and I felt held.  From that chair, I can look across the room and see a large 8x10 of me hugging him at age 4.  Ahhh, maybe I will imagine him when I go to sleep tonight.