Our Inner Dialogue: Saboteur or Ally

My mind has taken over my whole body.  I am one big obsessional thought after obsessional thought.  I don't even want to write about what those obsessions are.  Because of the extreme nature of the imbalance inside of me ,thoughts taking over, I have become aware of the extreme nature of the imbalance outside of me.  I am aware of how heady and out of contact with their own beingness many people are more regularly than I.  I guess I found something to be grateful for as I noticed.  A start on the road to recovery.

In my case, this fusion of my self hood with what I am thinking is a highway to the danger zone.  My mind, and what I say to myself in my head, when it isn't balanced what I feel in my body and in my experience or isn't channeled by focused attention on some task is that of the internal critic.  I have talked about it a lot recently because this critic, this angry child, this one that wants to make sure I don't feel any of the pain beneath, this swallowed voice of my mother - is an unrelenting saboteur designed to squash me into immobility.  Today, as I was walking down the street I said to myself, "man this voice is so pervasive these last weeks I can barely stand upright under the pressure of all the mean things it tells me."  And then I thought, "yeah but I am still walking so as long as I am walking I can at least feel my feet." 

So today, when I remembered, I just noticed my walking feet moving across the earth.  It was all I could do to redirect my attention.  And I found some joy as I felt my feet touch down, lift off.  Suddenly I felt my body again, the breeze on my skin, the smells of the city, the sounds of the rustling trees. I am reminded of Gabrielle Roth saying the "only way out is in" or the only way to get out of pain is to get back inside your body because pain is about thought, often. 

I was wondering about my sons.  I have been grumpy the last two mornings. I really have been annoyed with the eating routine lately because they are so wild at the table they get up and wander and I am a "sit at the table and eat" kind of mom.  You can finish at any time you like, but so long as you are eating, that needs to happen on your bottom at the table.  But, I lost my cool and really said it in a grumpy way. My oldest, when I speak in this way, tells me he doesn't like me or he will say "I don't like it when you talk to me that way."  I always feel badly but glad that he feels comfortable expressing himself. 

In my own state of angst, I was noticing my son more.  Less worry about screwing him up, more interest in just looking and saying "Who are you over there?"  That felt nice too, like my feet on the earth. So much worry really interrupts my own fascination and curiosity of just who my kids are. What a bummer. 
Ah Ha!  I had an epiphany - one that maybe could have saved me loads on parenting books; I could just parent my kids with the internal dialogue I am leaving them with.  What do I want them to be saying to them self that is being taught through the way I set boundaries, what boundaries I set, how I repair, how I am available, what I prioritize, how I see them vs. my worry etc.   It is a good exercises for me right now as it forces me to challenge my own inner critic. 

Here is what I hope their inner dialogue tells them;
I am sorry you feel that way.  I am here with you.
Whoa that person is angry and we don't have to avoid this conflict because I know I am still good and those angry feelings of theirs will change.
My human fallibility has zero impact on my love ability - I am lovable just for being me.
I deserve to have needs and I am entitled to express them.
I can be in relationship with people who are different.
I MATTER!

I am sure the list goes on.  Seems like a nice way to parent.  What do I want my sons to tell themselves inside.  I wish someone had been parenting me with this goal in the front of their mind.   And yet, here I am, one foot on the earth at a time.

Good night.