Starting Chapter 4

I have had some interesting interviews with new therapist the last few days.  I was stunned by how their humanity impacted how I showed up.  So I got curious about how in relationship, I tend to move from the outside in, rather than the inside out.  I tend to also take on other people's anger, sadness as if I don't have a choice and act on it. 

We talked about group dynamics and my continued tendency to pick up a group's pathology and carry it around inside of me and how that lets other people off the hook in terms of taking responsibility for their own behavior.   And I tend to get sucked into this notion that I am destined to live with a sabotaging internal dialogue.  We talked about what I am doing to take care of me and why I seem to be unwilling to do that.   I am aware of not fully grieving the past and leaving it there, in the past.  That inability to grieve prevents one from fully taking responsibility.

I am responsible.  No one else.

I am responsible for doing the things I know will help me thrive; self care, meditation, nourishing diet, slow transitions,careful goodbyes, good boundaries with other people, stating my needs clearly, hearing no clearly, seeing people for who they are and what they can offer, seeing myself for who I am and what I can offer, reaching deeply for the people who can meet me deeply and "leave the others be", and practice those things I have learned from my years of training in developing a sustaining and nourishing inner dialogue.  It is a commitment to self care I have been unwilling to make because my unconscious continues to rule and she keeps thinking someone is going to swoop in and make up for the past.  That belief will go away if, and only if, I grieve and leave the past back there.  So, underworld traversing, grieving doing, self care starting. 

Little Poem by Portia Nelson called Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it. 
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it is a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.