Suffering, Coping, Receiving, Relationship, Gratitude

I have been struck by loads of different meaningful quotes, ideas, compassionate offerings from those I am so deeply moved by in my life.  So I suspect this entry will be a bit stream of conscious as integrating them

I think the one which continues to stick is this notion that we can do more than "cope".  We really do and can learn to take in and receive goodness or be fulfilled.  Seems new agey right?  But we don't and mothers are the worst at this.

Inherently, we travel at a velocity which is not natural to us.  To quote Arrian Angeles "Nothing in nature moves rapidly unless its in danger".  The velocity of my own thinking is astounding at times.  Nothing about its speed is in alignment with who I am.  I am moving quickly.  What am I in danger from?  I bring past dangers into the present.  Past fears, past patterns...

So why don't we slow down?  Why must we do so much and when we do slow down what would be there?  In the mother's group I was telling you about, there were some mothers who completely balked at the idea of sitting in silence for two minutes at the end of our time together.  I have learned that while I operate faster than normal, I truly treasure going slow or better said, I treasure being able to do both (fast and slow).  I believe, we/I don't slow down because sometimes receiving is too hard - dare I say painful.

Arrian says that we can tend to those moments when we stopped singing, dancing, being enchanted by story and especially our story and enjoy the comfort of silence and contemplation as moments when we have lost a bit of our soul.  Made me feel good because despite all of the crap I have been feeling, I can still do them all.  Perhaps being enchanted by my own story I have lost but singing, check, dancing, check, silence check check. 

What would it mean to authentically receive and take in?  First it means that parts of us that haven't received get reawakened and we are confronted with grief that lives there in those hollows of our body.  Second, it means that we cling to what we take in and are open to more grief when it isn't available.  People can't always be there when we need to receive, mother's milk is not limitless, and the sun is not always shining.   The Buddha says suffering is a guarantee.  So part of receiving fully is also a willingness to feel loss, to grieve skillfully, with a great deal of self compassion and acceptance.  It is just a part of life to not always have those things immediately available but we can still remain grateful for the present moment of sorry and our willingness to hold ourselves in our sorrow.   We need to risk this sorrow because it is the connection to eachother that enlivens us.  We are wired to herd, wired to connect, we are wired to receive. 

So, I am aware, that I can receive fully, give fully and do more than cope in my life if I am willing to hold myself with compassion and accept that sorrow is organic  - its no big deal.  What that also means is I will continue to sit in self compassion for I am still in a grieving process right now - the grief of the baby -  and not freak out.  Creating suffering about my suffering is just not useful.  Others are not bad but nor am I.  And that I can move slowly in this process. I can be grateful for my courage to feel grief without identifying with it and still sing and dance in the midst of it.  If I stay in my body the grief itself even feels very alive.  I am alive in this grief.  If I try to run, it chases me anyway through obsessive awful self critical thoughts.  Guess I would rather hold the grief with love and compassion than deal with that crap.  YUK!

I am grateful for being right where I am.  I am on a mission to fully live out my truth.  And I couldn't be luckier to have the right partner, kids, and friendships to receive when I need, give to when needed and grieve when let down.  Sign me up.  I am in!