Response Flexibility

Integration integration integration.  A lot going on last week.  I am trying to integrate a lot at the moment; studying for my Marriage and Family Therapist licensing exam has me steeped in heady ideas about mental health and the new format of the exam has me studying the hundreds of differing ideas on this question instead of specializing in one as the old exam required.  In the midst of that, I am revisiting material from my young life in deeply profound ways.  I am finally deeply feeling the painful abuse that I suffered in my childhood - I am not angry and I am not running, I am just breathlessly mourning what happened. I found it hard to hold myself in the midst of triggers that ignited painful memories and some intense nervous system stuff.  Found it hard, for the first time in a long time, to get on my own side and get inside of my body. Leaving myself is old habit.   

Of course all of this was happening while my husband was away on business and my children's strong reaction to his lack of contact with them left me deeply needed whilst I was deeply unavailable.  What is more, my own work with my psychotherapy clients is demanding that I be INSIDE myself too and to trust my experience and be authentic and flexible in how I respond.  So I needed me, my kids needed me and my clients needed me.  I am grateful for good friends who helped me regulate my nervous system so I could get back inside of my body and hold myself in the midst of these painful feelings.  It is ok that I/we need help doing this.  The challenge is reaching to the right people, doing so directly and cleanly and being connective in the moment rather than thinking about solutions.  I am aware that thinking, as Gabrielle Roth says, does not lead to clarity.  Being alive in our experience and trusting that experience does.  Last bit are my words.  This is why I am a somatic therapist.  I believe in the body is where we have our lived experience and where we know how to respond to ourselves and the world. 

I put two and two together and found, when I am anxious about how I am experiencing myself, I will look outside myself for answers instead of inside of myself.  That includes looking for parenting advice outside myself.  Getting some solid training in child development and some very good awareness how and when we are disconnecting relationally, what triggers make it hard to connect with our children and ourselves are great ways to develop response flexibility. Reading "how to do it the right way" kind of books, however, leave us/me in my head thinking about parenting rather than connective parenting.  I love what Mark Brady wrote in his email to me last week in response to a question I had about a particular parenting group.  He said;

"...anything advocated as "one size

fits all" is going to have problems. Kids' brains grow and change

way beyond anything most parents and few schools are really aware enough to keep up with. The result is that the majority of us end up to some degree "developmentally delayed" compared to what's possible. Kids need in-the-moment, creative "response flexibility" from teachers and caretakers. Without that, they are unnecessarily slowed down in development.

What's your experience? Ever wake up and discover your child has leapfrogged from where they were just yesterday?"

Mark Brady, http://committedparent.wordpress.com/

I feel like response flexibility is embodied compassion...compassion for self and other.  From a place of compassion our boundaries don't fall apart, we aren't riddled with fear and anxiety and we don't leave our bodies.  Embodied compassion allows us to stay in connection with ourselves while being in connection with our kids. So I am on a mission to find my way back to embodied compassion.  Going to do some 5 rhythms movement on Thursday night.  More about it here.  Love that Gabrielle says fuck in this interview!