What is Mental Health?

I have a break between clients.  Getting ready to begin my study process.  But I have been feeling anxious again since yesterday after handling a couple situations with my kids sub optimally.   I am taking a mistake and calling into question my mental health because I made a mistake.  I am working toward a kind dialogue inside that says "Hey that was a hard situation.  You are still learning to self soothe so it makes sense that when your kids are beating up on one another you lose your cool.  You are committed to getting better at it and that is what is so great about you...your dedication and commitment to your kids.  It is what makes you such a wonderful mom.  I love that about you.  Let's not feel ashamed and get wrapped up in being bad.  You are doing great - the best that you can and what you can do better is being human and imperfect." 

When I make mistakes I go to the "I am all bad" place which I hope I will one day stop doing.  But just writing the nice couple words above have already made me feel nicer.  It occurred to me that other perfectionist parents could write letters to themselves - taking note of all the good things they are doing and really cheer leading themselves around their mistakes.   I need it because when I make mistakes, in any area of my life, I give myself an abusively hard time.  Good thing to shore up because I have a thread of criticism that eeks out to my kids.

That said, mindfulness practice - no not the thought of mindfulness, but actual mindfulness practice is a really important way to cultivate mental health.  And parenting from a mindful place as opposed to from the perfectionist place is the way to help our kids be mentally healthy.

Here are the 9 features of mental health per Dan Siegel and that living mindfully brings about because mental health is the opposite of rigidity or chaos - it is integration of the human organism.  (IE Rigid - it is always going to be this way to Chaos - bouncing around of ideas/sensation.)

1. Body Regulation - ability to calm the nervous system down when you were distressed.
2. Attuned Communication - ability to respond to one another empathically
3. Emotional Balance - Aroused enough so that life has meaning but not too aroused to too depressed - it is a kind of optimal flow so that you in your experience aren't too rigid or too chaotic  - flow happens in between.
4. Fear Modulation - Feeling safe actually impacts the brain
5. Response Flexibility - The ability to pause before acting - or separation between impulse to act and the action
6. Insight - Ability to review one's life and make meaning
7. Empathy - Compassion for feeling with another and be motivated to act on their behalf
8. Morality - Think about and act on the larger social good
9. Intuition - Use the data from your intestines and your heart to move through the world.

As I like at that list, I have some work to do and there are many I have in spades.  Mindfulness practice isn't about trying to "get better" at all of the above but to mindfully and radically accept my imperfection and humanity which then, in turn, makes me better at 1-9. 

For more on mindfulness practice check here.
Dan Siegel will have a new book on children's brains coming out Oct 4 which I will for sure be buying.